The content and technique noted below is so effective and so potent, that I feel the following disclaimer is necessary before reading on, especially since I do not know how many people outside of the HigherLevelDating community might discover this post.
To be blunt and state the obvious, consent to proceed with any physical activity of any kind should never be assumed, and if the person that you are with ever communicates in any way that they do not wish to continue intimate contact, it is my recommendation that you stop immediately.
What you’re about to read below works. It works almost too well. But it is always with the other person's consent, and at no point does it ever suggest you should do anything without the other person’s okay. I’m no lawyer, but my advice to you is this: if they say stop, you should stop.
With that important yet necessary disclaimer said, I now present information that up until recently has only been available to my most exclusive private clients.
You may not know this, but at the time of this writing, I’ve officially been consulting one-on-one with guys on how to be successful with women and dating for almost seven years now. And in all that time, of all the sticking points they usually ask me about, for some reason two of the biggest ones for them seem to be:
1-Simply picking a girl up and getting her number, and…
2-Closing the deal in the bedroom
So today, I want talk a little more about that second point: closing the deal. When it comes to women and dating, one of the toughest obstacles many guys seem to face is finally finding a way to get the girl into the bedroom. If fact, when invited to a guy’s place for the first time, many women will often automatically make a point of telling him ahead of time that they will NOT be getting physical that night, as if it’s been programmed into them to respond that way. It doesn’t matter if it’s the second date or the fifth date or even a month later. And they’ll often say it simply on principle alone, regardless of what their true intentions or expectations might be.
There’s no way around it, really - this is simply a common theme you should expect to encounter when arranging a date at your place for the very first time.
It always plays out the same way, of course: You choose what you think is a smooth way of inviting her over. Maybe you’re a little insecure about it, so you even throw a little humor in, hoping to diffuse any unnecessary tension. One way or another, you’ve got everything worked out to the letter, and you’re feeling pretty sure that now is the time to take this next step. So you text her and wait.
And then, as if on cue, her first text back to you reads something along the lines of “no funny stuff.” Or “only if you stay on your best behavior since I hardly know you.” Or “only if you promise to be a gentleman and keep your hands to yourself.” Or anything else along those lines.
Whatever she says, and however she says it, you suddenly find yourself on the defensive. After all, what could you possibly say to save face at this point? It’s not like you can just reply with “oh, we’ll see about that” or anything else implying that you’re going to physically impose yourself on her in any way.
And on the flip side, it’s not like you can just say “okay, you have my word… no funny stuff” because now even if she wants to do more, and even if you guys do end up getting physical… you end up looking like a puppet that she can play with any time she wants, and you lose her respect instantly. Worse yet, if you promise no funny stuff and then try something, and she really isn’t into it like she had warned you, you’ve basically played yourself right out of the any chance for something down the line and might as well wave goodbye to her right then and there. Game over.
In other words, when you get the “no funny stuff” reply, you’ve basically just been put in what appears to be a ‘no-win’ situation.
Now maybe she doesn’t realize the position she’s just put you in. Or maybe she does realize it and she’s purposely testing you. The truth is, either way, it doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t change the fact that you now have to deal with this in a way that doesn’t make you look weak, insecure, or needy. You now have to step up and convey a true sense of confidence and ease, and you have to do it in a way that still keeps the possibility open for the night to turn into a sleep over.
Which begs the question… what kind of a response could possibly accomplish all of this? How exactly do you deal with this if it ever happens to you?
Well, I have your answer, word-for-word, with a similar conversation I had a few years back over text. Until now, I have never shared this with anyone except for clients who hired me for personal one-on-one consultations. So trust me when I tell you that what you’re about to read is pure gold.
To give you a quick rundown on what stage we were at when this texting took place, I had already gone on a couple of solid dates with this girl, and we had some very good chemistry. We had an instant and easy rapport with each other, and there was a definite physical connection. So the time had come to invite her over and step things up.
We pick up the conversation below right after I invited her to my place (if memory serves me right, this was going to be our third or fourth date).
Her: “No hankie pankie.”
Me: “You’re going to have to define hankie pankie if you wish to veto it.”
Her: “Clothes off, lap dances, hands on inappropriate places, etc.”
Me: “You do realize that I’m going to kiss you, right?”
Her: “lol yes.”
Me: “I’m not talking about a peck on the lips here. We’re going to be making out. For at least a half hour. Don’t worry, we’ll have some dinner first. Then maybe a movie. Or maybe I’ll kiss you before the movie. But you and me, we’re making out. You’ve accepted this.”
Her: “you’re too much.”
Me: “that’s not a ‘yes’.”
Her: “;-D YES.”
So… there you have it. A bulletproof response to a very tough situation.
Now… there are A LOT of reasons why the above exchange has so much to teach us. Reasons why every client who has ever used this has never had a complaint for me. Reasons why this is pretty much the best response you could ever use under these circumstances. So let’s dive into a few of them.
But before we do, I think it’s very important to point out that the response I gave wasn’t some line I had come up with ahead of time. My answer came in the moment and was a genuine reflection of who I was as a person and what my perspective was. It came from a true mentality of abundance. A mindset of not being dependent on any specific outcome. The way I saw it, I was going to be just fine no matter what, even if she said no and I never saw her again. This is the most important thing for you to understand in this entire post. It really came down to who I was (and still am) as a person and as a man.
But with that said, let’s look back on the above conversation, deconstruct this entire interaction, and indentify and explain the value in it. After all, while I’m sure you already got a lot out of reading the above text message conversation on its own, it's definitely worth diving in a little deeper into some key points of why my response had such power in it.
Key Point #1 - I’m demonstrating that I don’t really need anything from her, which is basically another way of saying that there’s nothing she has that can manipulate or control me. She went and told me how it is ahead of time, and now I’m doing the exact same thing. She countered with her little rule, and I countered with one of my own. She’s got her bottom line, and I’ve got mine. If I wasn’t okay with her bottom line, she would have rejected me. So… if she’s not okay with my bottom line, I am perfectly okay saying no to her as well.
My true, genuine mindset is “if you don’t want to get physical with me, that’s fine. NOBODY is forcing anybody to do anything here. But I’ve invited you over, and we’re both adults here. If simple kissing is too much for you, I’m afraid I’ll have to go find someone who doesn’t think she’s still in high school hiding in her parents’ basement. And if that’s your thing, fine. No judgment from me. But if that is the case, it’s time for me to move on.”
There is SO much POWER in this mindset. And just to be clear, it’s NOT power over her…. It’s power for yourself. This isn’t chess. You don’t need to game her. I know that what I gave you in the text of the conversation above provides you with a very powerful “tactic”… but this is Higher Level Dating… and the way you take this to a truly higher level is by actually feeling that way I described above, and not simply pretending to believe it. Like I had mentioned in my book The Secret to a Successful First Date, when you have a solid foundation of principles that you’re living from, the tactics or ‘moves’ literally take care of themselves, and you never have to worry about what your next move actually has to be.
Key Point #2 – I’m demonstrating that I’m not afraid of conflict, confrontation, or even plans being cancelled entirely (which would basically mean that any chance of anything happening between us is now permanently off the table). This is the mark of a true man. This is a rare quality that most women only seem to find in guys who have unhealthy personality flaws. But to find it with a man who’s actually decent is almost as hard for them as hitting a lottery jackpot. Literally.
Think about it. When I counter with “but you realize we ARE going to make out,” while it’s not necessarily intentional on my part, I’m basically inadvertently delivering an ultimatum. And if the terms aren’t acceptable to her, I’m basically inviting the possibility that we never go further from here or ever even see each other again. Put in another way, I’m not leaning into her with any neediness. There’s a genuine freedom she is experiencing with me that she can never seem to find with most other guys. And the more freedom she has, the closer she wants to be (This isn’t something to play with, of course. Like I said before, if you use this as a tactic, it will backfire and eventually she’ll see through you… but it is worth knowing this so you understand what’s going on when she starts throwing herself at you). In many ways, I’m showing her a level of respect and trust that most guys aren’t capable of giving her. I’m placing the responsibility in her hands to consciously choose to come over to my place with the understanding that we’re going to be doing more than just holding hands.
Key Point #3 – Like I just mentioned above, I’ve left the door open for more to happen that night. If a girl is into you, often times she only needs the right opportunity or set of circumstances to act on it. There’s a romantic fantasy that she’s grown up with that has been programmed into her from a very young age and at a very deep and fundamental level. So it’s much easier for her to take things further with you if you’re already kissing and it feels like “it’s just happening.” Obviously, you NEVER want to force yourself on her in any way. That will lead to lots of bad things for you, including jail. But as long as she’s comfortable and not giving any indication of resistance, there’s usually a very high chance that making out will get her very excited and lead to more. And often times, she’ll even end up being the one leading you through it, which is exactly how things played out with me and the girl from this story.
And since you never chickened out from her “no funny stuff” text or flat out promised not to do anything with her, as long as she’s consenting to it, you’re all good and will not look like a desperate hypocrite.
Key Point #4 – I’m making it clear that I’m comfortable with my masculinity. I’m comfortable with the notion that there’s nothing wrong with consenting adults getting together. I’m not ashamed in any way. Contrary to all the faulty viewpoints that society loves programming into all of us and imposing on us, being okay with physicality doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m a grown man. And I’m comfortable with who I am. Deal with it.
Overall, there’s a lot more that can be taken from the text sample I provided. From the way I challenged her by making her define what ‘no hankie pankie’ really means… to the way I gave her a slight sense of suspense by making it unclear WHEN things would happen (and only that they WOULD happen), which inserted a nice sense of mystery and tension… to the way I refused to let her off the hook without a definitive ‘yes’ or ‘no’. But I think that brief conversation excerpt really does speak for itself, and it’s something you should really model when you’re in a similar situation. Just remember, if you want to take this part of your life to a truly higher level, you should be modeling the mindset I have in this text rather than the word-for-word tactic that you can copy-and-paste in whenever you need it.
Remember, ultimately this is always going to come down to who you truly are as a person. All the game in the world won’t be able to substitute for being grounded in that way. This word-for-word line will help get you to the next step, and you’ll have some amazing results if you use it. But it’s your continued growth as a man that will take you all the way.
That’s why continually improving yourself is such a worthwhile challenge.
That’s why this is dating on a Higher Level.
Catch you next time,
Drew Michaels is the founder of HigherLevelDating.com, and has been consulting with men on success with women and dating since 2007.